Chess is fun only if you're smart, if you're dumb, well it sucks
by whatamidoing765
Summary: This is what happens when you leave the director at a computer. He turns DW characters as chess pieces, and plays with the animator. Even though he doesn't know how to play.


**Koei animating room**

**Director:I'm bored...*goes to sit at a desk*What files are in this computer? **

**Guy:*enters the room*Hey! What are you doing at my computer? (Guy's job is an animator for Koei.)**

**Director:Just lookin' through your stuff.*clicks* You did the animation for Jieting and Wu Zhang Plains. You're...Zhuge Liang and Sima Yi's animator? **

**Guy:This other guy does Sima Yi, I do Zhuge Liang. We sometimes alternate. **

**Director:*clicks*Hey, I found your name, it's-**

**Guy:*glaring*Don't. You. Dare.**

**Director:Why? I don't want to call you guy.**

**Guy:I don't know your name, I just hear people call you the Director. So what's the point of names here?**

**Director:Can I at least call you something else? **

**Guy:Fine, just call me my occupation.**

**Director:..Animator?..****.**

**Animator****:If it is fine with you, you can call me that.**

**Director:So you design the background? Or the characters' clothes?**

**Animator:No, that is someone else. If you're wondering who designed Sima Yi's hats, that's confidential. I don't know myself.**

**Director:Aww, I want to meet the guy who gave Yi a dunce cap(DW7) and a boat(DW8) as a hat... *clicks* You have chess?**

**Animator:I play when I'm bored.**

**Director:Hmm...Are you using this now?**

**Animator:No, I'll just use another computer here. Just don't mess up my files.**

**He goes off into another cubicle to use a computer.**

**Director:I wonder...**

***1 hour later***

**Animator:You've been on for a long time, are you ok...what is that?**

**The director has a chessboard with pieces set up.**

**Director:Hi, want to play chess? I got this just now.**

**Animator:Do you even know how to play?**

**Director:Phht, yeah! (No, I don't...)**

**Animator:Let's go to somewhere with a table.**

**Koei lounge**

**Animator:Whoa, these are the fancy kinds of sets, huh? (There are chess sets that have full bodies as pieces, google if you need to.)**

**Director:I get black, you get white.**

**Animator:These pieces look like...what the...? This piece looks like Ma Dai...and this one Yue Ying...**

**Director:I made Yue Ying because I know you like her.**

**Animator:*blushes* Ok, but your black pieces...I see Sima Yi and Guo Huai.**

**Director:Yeah, I made the theme Wu Zhang Plains.**

**Animator:Nice, but these look so real...I can feel the skin...wait, pieces can't have skin...No, did you..?**

**Director:What?**

**Chessboard/Sima Yi's point-of-view**

**Sima Yi:Uhhh...my head...what the-? (The ground is in squares, I see peons across.) Sima Yi tries to move. What? I can't...move...My arms...He looks around then to himself. My arms are frozen! What am I wearing? (He is wearing a black king's outfit and a crown.)**

**Sima Shi:Father? You are noisy today...*tires to move arms* My arms...What am I holding?(He is wearing a black bishop's outfit and has the bishop hat. Also a staff with a cross on top.)**

**Sima Yi:Our bodies are frozen in place! Zhao! Chunhua!**

**Zhang Chunhua:I'm right here next to you. Sima Yi turns his head to the right and sees her. (She is wearing a black queen's dress and a crown.)**

**Sima Yi:(That dress looks SO much better than the other one.)You're frozen, too? Where's Zhao? **

**Sima Zhao:*snoring* (Same outfit as Shi, only mirrored position of staff.) **

**Sima Yi:*looks up and sees Animator* Somehow, he got larger or we got smaller...**

**Animator:You turned them to chess pieces?! I left you alone for an hour! How did you even do it?**

**Director:I had the Wu Zhang program and Chess program, jammed them together.**

**Animator:How?! It does not work that way! Huh? The Shu side...**

**Chessboard/Zhuge Liang's point-of-view**

**Zhuge Liang:Huh? I can't move! What magic is casted upon us? (He is dressed the same way Sima Yi is in, but white.) **

**Yue Ying:My lord, everyone here is frozen just like us! (Same queen's dress and crown, but white.)**

**Jiang Wei:Prime Minister! (White Bishop's outfit, holding staff.)**

**Zhuge Liang:(Stupid...)I'm right here...**

**Xing Cai:This is a problem if we are going to fight...****(Same bishop outfit and staff.) **

**Animator:*mouth open*...I...I..**

**Director:Pretty nice, huh? Look at this, ride horesy! He picks the Xiahou Ba knight piece and makes it gallop all over the board.**

**Xiahou Ba:Hey! Stop it! (He is wearing a black knight's armor.) **

**Animator:There is Deng Ai as the other knight, Zhuge Dan and Guo Huai as the rooks(They have the top of a rook on their heads.) and Zhong Hui as one of the pawns.(He has a sphere on his head.)**

**Zhong Hui:Why am I a pawn?!**

**Director:Your pieces have Wei Yan and Zhao Yun as the kinghts, and Ma Dai and Guan Yinping as rooks. All the pawns are generic officers.**

**Ma Dai:This hat looks funny...**

**Director:I also love making the king and queen pieces kiss each other.**

**Sima Yi:WHAT?!**

**Director:Sima Yi, remember this? He takes his piece and sticks his on Zhang Chunhua's chest.**

**Sima Yi:*muffled*You obscene...**

**Zhang Chunhua:*blushing* Uhh...**

**Animator:Get him off of her!**

**Director:Fine. He takes Sima Yi and puts him back. **

**Animator:I'm don't feel comfortable with playing with them...**

**Director:Just play one game, and I'll return them back.**

**Animator:How are we going to play?**

**Director:Like this. He takes Sima Yi and hits Zhuge Liang with him.**

**Zhuge Liang:Hey!**

**Sima Yi:*snickers* Director takes him and makes Sima Yi jump on Zhuge Liang's head. **

**Zhuge Liang:This is humiliating...**

**Animator:Put him back! **

**Director:How 'bout I turn these guys into cards?**

**Animator:That would weird...talking cards? **

**Director:Fine,let's play now. White goes first.**

**The animator moves a pawn forward. **

**Officer:Hey, watch how hard you grip! **

**Animator:This is very weird, the pieces talk back to me.**

**Director:That is what makes it funny. My move. (Oh, no. I don't even know how the pieces move! I'll just move the knight...) **

**The director moves Xiahou Ba, but in the wrong square.**

**Jin:Wrong.**

**Director:Ok, how about here?**

**Sima Shi:No, it moves on the opposite color of the color the knight's on.**

**Director:How do YOU know?**

**Sima Shi:I can tell that's wrong.**

**Director:Chess wasn't even invented during your time! You're 2nd century, and chess was invented during 6th century India!**

**Sima Yi:Anachronism.**

**Animator:Stop talking to the pieces and make your move.**

**Director:(I'll put back Xiahou Ba,and move a pawn.) He moves pawn.**

**The animator moves another pawn. The director moves Zhong Hui forward. The animator moves a pawn in front of Zhong Hui. The director moves Zhong Hui to try to take the pawn.**

**Zhong Hui:I don't even know this game, but I can tell this is wrong.**

**Director:Fine. (I should take the king, he's powerful, right?) He moves Sima Yi far out on the board.**

**Sima Yi:I'm quite aware the king doesn't do this.**

**Animator:He's right, the king only moves one square around him.**

**Director:He's weak...*puts him back* What does the queen do?**

**Animator:She can move anywhere. The director moves Zhang Chunhua all the way across the board.**

**Zhang Chunhua:I don't think this is right...**

**Animator:...The queen does not fly...she just has the bishop's and rook's moves. Also, you can't move with a pawn in the way.**

**Director:(Ugghh...I'll just move a pawn...) He puts the queen back and moves a pawn. Animator moves Zhao Yun to capture a pawn.**

**Zhao Yun:Another obstacle in the path of just-**

**Animator:No, you don't say that. Your move.**

**Director:(I'll move Zhuge Dan.) He moves the piece across the board.**

**Zhuge Dan:You actually got it right... Director:Shut up. Animator moves a pawn forward. Director follows and moves a pawn. They alternate moving pawns. **

**Sima Zhao:*yawns*Get to the point already! Director:*hits him* Shut it. Go back to sleep. (So what do I move? What does a bishop do?) He moves Sima Shi forward.**

**Sima Shi:That's not correct, I'm supposed to go diagonally. Director:(Smartass..) Fine. He moves him diagonally, almost near Zhao Yun.**

**Animator moves Wei Yan, forward going near Sima Shi.**

**Wei Yan:Grrr... Sima Shi:Keep it in your mouth, boy. **

**Director:(I still can't figure the knight out...I'll just move Guo Huai.) He moves the rook across the board, stopping halfway.**

**Guo Huai:*coughs*You picked me up a little roughly... Director:Sorry... Animator moves Jiang Wei out near Zhao Yun. **

**Director:Can you tell me where the knight goes? Animator:Go two squares forward or backward and turn left or right. There are eight squares you can go to. When you turn left or right, you can go on the square diagonally from it.**

**Director:(That has a lot of steps..) Xiahou Ba goes here then? Animator:Yes. My move. Animator moves Yue Ying out on the board.**

**Director:*sounding sad*How cruel...you would sacrifice her? Animator:*blushing* It's how the game works, usually someone wins with the queen trapping the king. Director:Queens are powerful compared to the kings. Animator:Funny how that works? Sima Yi and Zhuge Liang's eyes just twitched.**

**Sima Yi:(I'm useless, all I do is get trapped, or run like a coward.) Zhuge Liang:(I have no power, it goes to my wife. This is an unusual game indeed.)**

**Director:Sounds like today, no? Animator:I would like to see these guys run around in this century. Director:(I should try that...)**

**Deng Ai:What century are you two from? Both:21st century, you guys are 2nd century. This made everyone on the board depressed.**

**Sima Zhao:...That made me feel older... Sima Shi:I feel like Father now... Xiahou Ba:I'm that old, and I can't grow a single inch! ****Wei Yan:We...OLD...like...Huang Zhong... Zhuge Liang:Old...like Huang Zhong...Dear me... Guan Yinping:..I'm so old...**

**Animator:We made them feel older than they already are. Director:They're 2000 years old... Animator:Keep that down, I don't want them more depressed. Now make your move.**

**Director:(I'll move the other knight.) He moves Deng Ai in the square that mirrors Xiahou Ba. Animator moves Yue Ying to capture a pawn.**

**Yue Ying:With each victory I grow even stronger! Animator:..You..don't have to say that... Director:You didn't want to interrupt her, huh? Animator:*blushing* I don't want to interrupt the lady... Your move. Zhuge Liang turned to glare at Animator and turns back.**

**Director:(How about putting the queens in a catfight?) He moves Zhang Chunhua diagonally and stops so Yue Ying can't capture her. Yue Ying looks at Zhang Chunhua with fierce eyes and she returned them with cold eyes.**

**Animator moves Guan Yinping out on the board.**

**Director:(Catfight! Catfight!)So aren't you two gonna spout insults at each other? Animator:She's not Zhen Ji. They're probably going to say something else.**

**Yue Ying:I can't come up with anything...She's too new. I don't know a thing about her other than being Sima Yi's wife.**

**Zhang Chunhua:You were actually going to try to insult me like some child? You amuse me.**

**Yue Ying:What was that? **

**Zhang Chunhua:I knows lots about you. You support your husband in achieving this "beneviolence." But do you even have an opinion on this, or you just simply do what he says, like a lapdog? **

**Yue Ying:I... At least my husband isn't afraid of me. Your husband fears you like you're his mother!**

**Sima Yi:Well..that's no- Director:*covers his mouth* Shut. IT. Do you want to be dragged into this? Sima Yi:*muffled*Get your finger off of my mouth...(That's not true..)**

**Zhang Chunhua:That shows you I have a mind of my own, compared to you being a mouthpiece for your husband. How many times you had to mention that you're the Sleeping Dragon's wife? Identify yourself a little more. You're an inventor, why not express that?**

**Yue Ying:I...You have a point... **

**Director:(This is WAY more different than with Zhen Ji!) **

**Animator:(The arguments are more logical and less "does your husband pleasure you" arguing!)**

**Zhang Chunhua:Now, isn't that something to think about? I hope we can get along even though our husbands can't. It will be nice to be able to talk with another girl besides Yuanji. **

**Yue Ying:That will be interesting, but-**

**Zhang Chunhua:Think for yourself, your husband should have no say in this. **

**Yue Ying:We should go for tea, then. **

**Animator:I never thought an argument would go so smoothly... Director:Aww, I had 300 gold on Zhang Chunhua! But this ended peacefully... Animator:You wanted it to turn messy?!**

**Director:See, Sima Yi, you should make up with Zhuge Liang. You two can conquer the land together with your ultimate wisdom and...might?**

**Sima Yi and Zhuge Liang:..No thanks...I would rather die than be stuck with him...**

**Director:You sound like 21st century women. Your wives can make better ties than you. I think those two are better off men then you two women.**

**Sima Yi and Zhuge Liang:WHAT?!**

**Director:Nothing. He moves Sima Zhao to capture Guan Yinping. Finally, I got someone! Now come on, say your line. *pokes him***

**Sima Zhao:It is not needed, we are on a chessboard. Not in the game. *yawns***

**Director:(Gee, smartass...I think that's your brother's job, though.)**

**Animator moves Yue Ying closer to the Jin side. **

**Animator:Check. Director:What? Already? What do I do? Animator:Move your king out of the way. Director moves Sima Yi too far.**

**Animator:No, only one square. Director:Ugh, fine. He moves Sima Yi back and moves one square left. **

**Sima Yi:OWW! Watch it! You could have broke my back! **

**Director:Need a chiropractor? I know a good one.**

**Animator moves Zhao Yun towards the center, near Yue Ying. Director moves Zhuge Dan to the right, capturing Zhao Yun. Animator moves Yue Ying towards Xiahou Ba and captures him. **

**Director:(I'll do this.) He moves Zhang Chunhua straight across the board and captures Jiang Wei. **

**Jiang Wei:Prim- Director sticks tape on his mouth.**

**Zhuge Liang:(Thank the Heavens.)**

**Animator:(I can't capture her.) He moves Ma Dai in the square across from Zhang Chunhua. Director moves the queen in front of Zhuge Liang. **

**Director:Check? Animator:Yes, but I can capture her now. He moves Zhuge Liang to capture Zhang Chunhua.**

**Director:(Damn.) He moves Sima Shi. Check. **

**Animator moves Zhuge Liang back to his original square. Director uses Sima Zhao to capture a pawn. Animator moves Ma Dai to capture Guo Huai.**

**Director:Hey, Sima Yi is sleeping. He sees his king piece snoring while having his tilted down.**

**Animator:He must be quite bored. Sima Zhao is sleeping over there too. **

**Director moves Deng Ai closer to the Shu army. Animator moves Ma Dai across to the Jin army and takes Zhong Hui.**

**Director:How long do these games take? I'm falling asleep here. Animator:It varies. But I'll end this quickly if we need to.**

**Director moves Zhuge Dan to put Zhuge Liang in check. Animator moves Zhuge Liang. Director moves Zhuge Dan to capture Wei Yan. Animator moves ****Yue Ying to capture another pawn. Director moves Zhuge Dan to capture a pawn. Animator moves Ma Dai. **

**Animator:Checkmate. Director:Wait, what? How? Animator:Yue Ying blocked all but one escape route, Ma Dai blocks that one. You said to end it. I did.****  
**

**Director:Wow, you win. But you're better in this game than I. **

**Animator:I also knew you did know how to play the game, but I didn't want to embarrass you.**

**Director:Oh, so you went easy on me?**

**Animator:No, you just made so many stupid moves, it was hard for me to think of something for putting the king in checkmate.**

**Sima Yi:*sleeping*...No...I don't want to give Father a sponge bath...**

**Director:What the-? Father?**

**Animator:Sima Fang.**

**Director:I know that! It's just I don't hear him say things about his father.**

**Sima Yi:No...Lang, you give him a sponge bath...I did it last week...**

**Zhuge Liang:*snickers* **

**Director: Sima Lang? Is this a memory from his life? Must been a bad one.**

**Sima Yi:...Don't give me...that...you're his favorite, anyway...I don't care if he smacks me into the next lunar year!...**

**Animator:Ok...He certainly has something against his father. Now return these guys back to their original form.**

**Director:I want to hear more. Oh, something else.**

**Sima Yi:What is it...Shi...did you wet the bed again?...**

**Sima Shi:*blushes*Wait, he remembers?**

**Sima Zhao:*waking up*Shi wets the bed? **

**Sima Yi:..Zhao...?...did you wet the bed?...Stop drinking so much water...**

**Shi and Zhao:*blushes***

**Director:*snickers* Let's hear some more.**

**Sima Yi:That dress...I can't work with you showing off those things...I'm not saying I don't WANT to see them...I hear the men commenting on your...chest...At least cover up...**

**Director:I know who he's talking to. **

**Animator:Yeah, there is a** _**man**_** who constantly talks of "chests." He is sitting in front of me.**

**Director:No, he's talking to his wife.**

**Animator:And who exactly is the perv who stares at her chest every time he gets to?**

**Sima Yi:*blushing*..Stop...that tickles...Save that for the bedroom...**

**Animator:Ok! Turn them back now before he scars everyone on this board!**

**Director:I want to hear more...**

**Animator:He's saying too much information! Turn them back!**

**Director:Fine...Sima Yi, wake up. *pokes him***

**Sima Yi:...What?...Did Zhuge Liang die?...**

**Zhuge Liang:Hey!**

**Zhang Chunhua:*slightly blushing*(I'm relieved he didn't say anymore.)**

**Koei animating room**

**Director:Done, and done. They should be back to normal.**

**Animator:Wait for the loading screen.**

**LOADING...LOADING...LOADING...**

**Animator:The chess board is back to normal. We should check the kingdoms if they went to normal.**

**Director:They're fine. I may not look like it, but I used to be an computer engineer.**

**Animator:Hmph, I'm surprised, I thought you never had set foot in a school based on your personality.**

**Director:Hey! **


End file.
